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It’s the start of a new year yet again. And you know what that means. Yup, before you realise it, malls will be blasting Chinese New Year songs, you’ll be shopping for a new outfit, and you’ll be making that annual visitation to see distant relatives. Ah, family reunions. Love them or hate them, reunion dinners are bound to have that one relative who always asks questions that feel more like an interrogation than small talk.
For LGBTQ individuals, CNY can come with an extra layer of emotional labour as well. Beyond the usual “Eat more!” and “Why you so skinny?” comments, sometimes there are deeply personal questions about marriage, kids, gender expression, and life choices — often asked loudly, publicly, and with zero awareness.
The tricky part? These questions don’t always come from a place of malice. Sometimes it’s genuine concern, sometimes it’s tradition, and sometimes it’s just kaypoh energy. Still, that doesn’t make them any less uncomfortable.
Here, five LGBTQ individuals in Singapore share the questions they dread most during Chinese New Year — and how they’ve learned to respond in ways that protect their peace, without wanting to flip the table.
1. “So… when are you getting married?”
The #1 classic question that most people get during CNY is the big marriage question, and Edward*, a 29-year-old gay man, knows it all too well. “This question comes up every single year without fail. The funny thing is, my cousins who are straight but single get a pass. For me, it’s like everyone suddenly remembers I exist and needs an update on my love life.”
In many Singaporean families, marriage is seen as a milestone. You’re expected to get married before 30, and preferably followed by babies ASAP. So for LGBTQ folks, this question can sting, especially when same-sex marriage isn’t legally recognised here.
“Sometimes I feel like saying, ‘I can’t even legally get married here, what do you want me to do?’ But obviously that would cause drama. And also, I’m not out to everyone in my family”.
Nowadays, he responds by shrugging it off. “I keep it light. I usually say, ‘Still waiting for the right person lah, you got anyone to intro?’ Then I laugh and change the topic.” Edward’s response is a great way to deal with intrusive questions – it deflects, keeps things friendly, and subtly pushes the awkwardness back to the asker. No harm taking a leaf out of his book.
2. “Why you dress like that now?”
“I cut my hair short and started exclusively wearing pants a few years ago and since then, every CNY becomes a fashion critique session. ‘Why you dress so boyish?’ ‘Cannot wear dress ah?’ It’s exhausting”, Jackie*, a 37-year-old lesbian, shares with me.
Gender expression among LGBTQ individuals can feel especially triggering for older relatives who have very fixed ideas of masculinity and femininity — ideas that are often reinforced by tradition and culture.
Jackie adds, “What frustrates me is that they think it’s just about clothes. They don’t realise how personal it feels. I usually say, ‘Because I’m more comfortable like this.’ If they push, I add, ‘Comfort is important when you’re eating so much, right?’ The topic tends to veer towards food or health instead of my appearance, but sometimes it takes effort and time to get there. I think humour helps soften the moment while still setting a boundary. You don’t owe anyone a full TED Talk on gender identity”.
3. “You got boyfriend/girlfriend already or not?”
Another top dreaded question by relatives during the festive season is about relationship status. For Adeline*, 27 years old, she gets bombarded by relatives kaypoh-ing her dating life or trying to set her up with guys.
“This question feels like a trap no matter what. If I say ‘yes’, they’ll immediately assume it’s a guy. If I say ‘no’, it becomes a lecture about being too picky. Little do they know that I’m bisexual.” For bisexual individuals, this question can feel especially invalidating — because whichever answer you give, part of your identity often gets erased.
“There was one time I mentioned I was dating a girl casually and instead of them being excited and asking questions, the table just went quiet. Someone changed the topic immediately, like I said something inappropriate. Well, they asked.”
To avoid additional awkward situations, Adeline now addresses it with ambiguity. “Depending on the crowd, I either say ‘I’m seeing someone’ and leave it vague, or I say ‘Got, but very busy with work now.’ Vagueness kind of protects me, especially in spaces where I’m not sure how safe it is to be fully out.”
4. “Later who going to take care of you when you’re old?”
For Jackson*, 42, he doesn’t hide his sexuality from his family. His relatives all know that he’s gay and out, but that doesn’t stop the insensitivity from arising during gatherings.
“My own sister once asked me in front of everyone – ‘you’ve been single for so long. Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old? This one hurts the most because it sounds like concern, but it’s actually rooted in fear and stereotypes.”
In many Asian families, having children is seen as a form of security, whether emotionally, financially, or socially. And for LGBTQ individuals who may not follow the ‘traditional’ family structure, this question can feel loaded with judgment. Many may misunderstand that being queer is “making” a life choice that is irresponsible or lonely.
“I tell them, ‘I’m actually building my own support system — friends, savings, community. Same like everyone else. Not having kids actually lets me save much more money.‘ This usually shuts them up, because they know it’s true.
5. “Is this just a phase?”
Natalie*, 22, identifies as non-binary, with pronouns she/they. “I’ve been out to my family for three years and have been unapologetically myself at CNY reunions, but I still get questioned if who I am is just a phase. Usually it’s from relatives who say it with a smile, like they’re being kind. It makes me feel like they’re waiting for me to ‘grow out of it’ instead of actually seeing me”.
It’s no secret that calling someone’s identity “a phase” can feel incredibly dismissive in queer spaces — especially when it’s framed as concern or curiosity. Granted, many older folks are ignorant and may not understand.
“I don’t get angry because I know they don’t know better. So now I just say ‘It doesn’t feel like a phase to me. It’s just who I am.’ Then I stop explaining.” Perhaps sometimes the most powerful response is a calm, simple statement, followed by silence.
Chinese New Year Is An Awkward Occasion For LGBTQ Folks
Chinese New Year is meant to be about reunion, connection, and starting the year on a good note — but for many LGBTQ individuals in Singapore, it can also be a time of emotional navigation and strategic conversation management.
The truth is, you’re not obligated to answer every question honestly, fully, or at all. Deflecting, joking, staying vague, or setting boundaries are all valid ways to protect yourself. Survival mode during CNY is real, and doing what you need to get through it doesn’t make you weak — it simply makes you human.
As Edward also shared with me: “I used to feel guilty for not being more open. Now I realise I don’t owe anyone my truth if they’re not ready to respect it.”
So this Chinese New Year, whether you choose honesty, humour, or a strategic trip to the kitchen to “help wash dishes,” remember this: your identity is not up for debate, and your worth doesn’t depend on anyone’s understanding.
If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual identity or coming out, A Space Between provides a safe environment for support with queer-friendly counsellors. Besides being a resource for help or navigating the challenge of coming out, A Space Between also shares advice on therapy and LGBTQ+ issues through online blog articles, as well as holding community events.
*Names are altered for privacy purposes.
*All responses have been edited for clarity and brevity
