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The time has come – you’ve finally found the courage to be unapologetically yourself and tell your nearest and dearest about your sexual orientation. Sure, coming out is a big step. But it’s not an easy step.
Exciting, nerve-wracking, and a little unpredictable are just some adjectives that perhaps describe how you feel. But here’s the thing most people tend to also forget: coming out is about yourself just as much as it’s for the ones you’re confessing to. And this situation differs for everyone.
In Singapore, this process comes with its own unique considerations—family expectations, societal norms, and even things like NS or work culture. But no matter where you are in your journey, you should know that your story is yours to tell, at your own pace, in your own way.
To make this process smoother, here’s a step-by-step guide to help you navigate coming out with confidence and care.
Step 1: Know Yourself First
Before you tell others, take time to understand your own identity. What does being LGBTQ+ mean to you? Are you still figuring things out, or are you certain about your identity? Example, there’s no shame in still not knowing if you’re gay or bisexual.
There’s no rush to label yourself—sexuality and gender are fluid, and self-discovery takes time. If you’re feeling unsure, explore LGBTQ+ content online, join supportive communities to speak with other people, or journal your thoughts.
Finding resources can sometimes feel tricky, but organizations like Oogachaga and My Queer Story SG provide great information and support. Talking to others who have gone through the same experience can also help you gain clarity and confidence.
Step 2: Assess Your Environment
Once you’re comfortable with your identity, it’s important to consider the environment you’re in. Singapore’s social landscape is diverse, with some families and workplaces being open-minded, while others may be more traditional.
Ask yourself:
- Is my family or workplace generally accepting of LGBTQ+ topics?
- Have I heard my friends or colleagues make supportive or harmful comments about LGBTQ+ issues?
- Are there any non-discriminatory policies at school or work that could provide some level of protection for myself?
Understanding your surroundings helps you gauge how safe it is to come out and who you might want to come out to first.
Step 3: Identify Your Support System
Coming out doesn’t mean you have to announce it on your TikTok or Instagram social platforms.. Start small. Choose one or two people you trust and go from there. This could be a close friend, a sibling, or even not-as-close peoples from a LGBTQ+ support group.
It helps to have someone who can be there for you, whether to celebrate your courage, offer advice, or provide a listening ear. If your immediate circle isn’t supportive, consider consuming LGBTQ+ content like Dear Straight People first, or attend Pink Dot SG, where you can connect with people who understand your journey.
Step 4: Plan What You Want To Say
Coming out creates a whole jumble of nerves. So it’s okay to prepare what you want to say. Write it down first if you prefer! Think about how you’d like to frame the conversation, and answers for questions you might expect. Here are some ways you can start the conversation:
- “Hey, I wanted to share something important with you. I’ve realised that I’m [insert identity].”
- “I feel comfortable enough to tell you that I’m [insert identity], and I hope you can support me.”
- “I know this might be surprising, but I want to be honest about who I am.”
You don’t have to have all the answers at the coming out stage. If someone asks something you’re unsure about, it’s okay to say, “I’m still figuring things out.”, which should be respected.
Step 5: Expect Different Reactions From Different People
One thing that is almost definite during your coming out journey is that people will react in different ways. Some will be supportive immediately, some may need time to process, and others may struggle with acceptance and
Especially in the Singapore context, family expectations can sometimes make coming out challenging. Some parents may worry about your future or how society will treat you, concerned about potential discrimination against you. If their reaction isn’t positive, remember that their initial response isn’t always their final one, and there’s room for their mind to change over time. Feel free to consider educating them gradually, so they are also able to unlearn biases and adjust.
As for the “haters” or those not as supportive, it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries with them. Protect your mental and emotional well-being first, and remember that you can’t always meet every single person’s expectations.
Step 6: Have A Backup Plan If Needed
Coming out is brave, but your safety should always come first. If you suspect your family might react badly – or worse, violently – have a backup plan in mind.
- If you live at home, consider whether you have a safe space to go to if things get tense. This could perhaps be a friend’s home, or a rental unit.
- If you’re financially dependent on someone else, think about whether coming out now could affect your stability which would result in you needing alternative sources of income.
- If needed, reach out to LGBTQ+ support groups that can guide you through difficult and complicated situations.
Remember that there’s no shame in delaying coming out if your situation isn’t safe. Your physical and mental well-being come first. And as cliche as it might sound, it does get better in time.
Coming Out Is An Important And Gradual Journey
Coming out is a deeply personal journey — there’s no one right way to do it. Some people take years, others take days. Some tell everyone at once, others do it gradually. The key is to move at your own pace, prioritising your comfort and safety.
No matter where you are in this process, know that you’re not alone. Singapore’s LGBTQ+ community is growing and gaining traction with shared voices, and there are more safe spaces now than ever before. Your identity is valid, and you deserve to live authentically, whenever and however you choose to do so.
So take your time, trust yourself, and remember: your story is yours to tell.
If you or someone you know is exploring their journey with sexual identity or coming out, A Space Between provides a safe environment for support with queer-friendly counsellors. Besides being a resource for help or navigating the challenge of coming out, A Space Between also shares advice on therapy and LGBTQ+ issues through online blog articles, as well as holding community events.
