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Let’s face the truth: no matter how well-meaning or open-minded you intend to be, there’s still room for error when understanding the LGBTQ+ community. Similarly, you can be a LGBTQ+ affirmative therapist, but still get certain matters wrong.
It’s not always about having prejudice or malice. Sometimes, the missteps are subtle or unintentional. Things like a lingering pause after a client comes out, assuming every gay person had a difficult life, or treating a trans client like a case study in your professional development journey.
These things might seem minor, but they add up. And when clients already live in a world where they feel judged or misunderstood, these moments can reinforce the shame and disconnection that brought them to therapy in the first place.
Read on to understand where even affirming therapists might fumble – and how to do better. This could be all the difference in understanding clients better!
Thinking “Acceptance” Is Enough
Therapists should avoid saying: “I don’t have a problem with LGBTQ+ people. I treat everyone the same!”. While it’s a nice sentiment, it’s not affirmative therapy. Remember that LGBTQ+ clients aren’t looking for tolerance. They’re looking for validation, understanding, and someone who gets their identity to shape how they move through the world.
Even saying “I treat all clients the same” should be avoided, as it erases the specific experiences queer and trans people have, like systemic discrimination, identity-based trauma, and internalised shame.
- Don’t just “accept” LGBTQ+ identities, you should aldo celebrate and understand them.
- Get comfortable with being explicitly supportive. Phrases like, “This is a safe space for LGBTQ+ identities,” or “You are valued exactly as you are,” go a long way.
- Understand that equality is not one size fits all. Some clients need more intentional care and nuance.
Getting Clients To Educate You
This is one of the most common missteps: expecting clients to “fill in the blanks” about terminology, culture, or gender identity.
It’s completely okay not to know everything. But if you find yourself asking your client, “What does non-binary mean?” or “What are your pronouns again?” every session… that’s a problem. Therapy should not double as a queer education workshop.
- Do your homework outside the therapy room. Read books. Follow queer creators. Attend LGBTQ+ training sessions.
- Stay up to date on evolving language and concepts. Terms like “asexual,” “genderfluid,” or “chosen family” might be new to you—but they’re central to many clients’ lives.
- If you do make a mistake, own it with humility. “Thank you for correcting me. I’m learning and I appreciate your patience,” is far better than defensiveness.
Over-Focusing On The LGBTQ+ Identity
Yes, a client’s identity matters. But it’s not always the problem they came in to solve.
Sometimes therapists zoom in so hard on someone’s sexuality or gender that they completely miss what the client is actually trying to work through, like burnout, breakups, or plain old anxiety. Remember that just because someone is queer doesn’t mean every issue they face is queer-related. There could be other situations at play. As a rule of thumb, here’s what to do.
- Let the client lead. If they’re here to talk about a stressful job or parenting struggles, don’t constantly redirect to identity unless they do.
- Be curious about how their identity intersects with other areas of life, but don’t assume it’s necessarily the centre of everything.
- Recognise that LGBTQ+ people want what everyone else wants in therapy: safety, connection, clarity, and healing
Assuming a “Coming Out” Narrative
Of course, it’s easy to jump straight into asking questions like “So when did you come out?” or “Have you come out yet?” during the first therapy session. Sure. coming out can be a powerful milestone, but it’s not a universal journey for everyone. Some people don’t come out because it’s not safe, while others don’t feel the need to make their sexual orientation public. In fact, some have to “come out” over and over again – at work, with doctors, during family dinners, and even in therapy, which can be mentally tiring. The idea that coming out is a one-time, cathartic event is simply inaccurate. Instead,
- Ask open questions: “How do you navigate sharing your identity with others?” instead of assuming a single story.
- Don’t frame coming out as a therapeutic “goal.”
- Recognise that not being out doesn’t mean someone is ashamed. It might just mean they’re being smart about their safety and cultural context,
Missing Out On Cultural Context
Being LGBTQ+ in Singapore isn’t the same as being LGBTQ+ in Western countries, or even Thailand, where queerness is more embraced and celebrated. In Singapore, we have our own unique mix of conservative laws, traditional family values, and quiet resistance that shape how the LGBTQ+ community navigates their lives. For example:
- Section 377A may be repealed, but the social stigma still lingers.
- Family dynamics are often deeply influenced by religious values, like filial piety, shame, and “face.”
- Queer visibility is growing, but many still struggle with a lack of representation, isolation, and pressure to stay closeted.
Therefore, affirming therapy is all the more important for therapists to help people recognise the nuances and adjust topic discussions accordingly, so as to align specifically with patients.
Rationalising Gender Identity Or Sexuality
Here’s something therapists should definitely avoid – asking clients if they’re “sure” they’re trans or bi or gay, or interpreting same-sex attraction as “a phase” caused by trauma. By instilling doubts of your own onto clients, it could leave them feeling even more confused. Plus, this is not affirmative therapy, but instead, invalidation that can do further harm.
Even therapists who are trying to be cautious can slip into this when they over-analyse a client’s identity as if it needs to be diagnosed or proven. Here’s what to take note of:
- Trust your client’s self-knowledge or experiences. If someone says they’re trans, pansexual, or non-binary—believe them.
- Don’t make identity based on a traumatic backstory or narrative arc.
- Educate yourself on gender diversity and avoid outdated diagnostic frameworks that treat queer identity as a myth.
Skipping Over Or Disregarding Internalised Shame
Some therapists are so affirming and supportive that they shy away from naming internalised homophobia, transphobia, or shame in the room. But just because you’re accepting doesn’t mean your client automatically feels the same way about themselves.
Avoiding this topic might seem respectful or courteous, but it can actually leave clients feeling isolated in their pain. It’s okay to talk about difficult topics sometimes. Here’s how:
- Gently explore internalised beliefs without judgement. For example: “I wonder if there’s a part of you that still struggles to fully accept yourself.”
- Help clients name and challenge shame-based thoughts. Don’t assume they’ve already done this work.
- Affirm that internalised shame is a normal response to a world that has not always been kind – but it’s something they can heal from.
Not Acknowledging Privilege In Situations
In Singapore, the LGBTQ+ community gets complex because there is intersectionality. For example, a gay Chinese man, a queer Malay woman, and a trans Indian teen in Singapore all experience the world – and the LGBTQ+ community –very differently.
Well-meaning therapists might overlook how race, religion, class, body size, and neurodivergence play into a client’s story. Or worse, they might unconsciously centre their own experiences or assumptions, and project it on the client. It’s important to understand how situations differ for everyone. Some things to take note of:
- Be mindful of your own privilege and blind spots. Reflect on how they shape your approach to therapy.
- Ask open-ended questions like, “How does your cultural background influence how you view your identity?”
- Validate clients whose experiences don’t match mainstream LGBTQ+ narratives.
Not Being Visible Enough As A LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapist
More often than not, people are afraid of going for therapy. If you’re an affirming, LGBTQ+ friendly therapy service, your client shouldn’t have to guess if you indeed are. Beyond indicating your practice is LGBTQ+ friendly, there are other ways for greater assurance
- Make it clear on your website, intake forms, and therapy room. Phrases like “LGBTQ+ affirming” or listing pronouns help signal safety.
- Include diverse books, art, or resources in your space.
- If you’re part of an organisation, advocate for better inclusion and training for all staff.
LGBTQ+ Affirmative Therapy Is Important For The Community
Look, no therapist gets it right all the time. LGBTQ+ identities and experiences are diverse, evolving, and deeply personal. It’s easy to make mistakes and slip up, but take it as a learning process.
But what matters most is your willingness to grow, listen, and apologise when needed. Additionally, it’s important to keep showing up for LGBTQ+ clients – not just as an ally, but as a co-learner.
Affirmative therapy isn’t just about having the right labels or language—it’s about helping clients feel truly seen, heard, and valued for who they are. And when they accept themselves, that’s when growth and success is achieved.
If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual identity or coming out, A Space Between provides a safe environment for support with queer-friendly counsellors. Besides being a resource for help or navigating the challenge of coming out, A Space Between also shares advice on therapy and LGBTQ+ issues through online blog articles, as well as holding community events.
