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Ask anybody in the LGBTQ+ community and “coming out” may come up as one of the most intimidating situations to face. Liberating, relieving, challenging, stressful – it can encompass all those feelings. Whether it’s telling your parents, siblings, or friends, the “how” often becomes as daunting as the “when.” Would you want to tell them face to face? Or is a text approach the way to go? The decision on how you confess the truth depends on many factors, including the nature of your relationship, your comfort level, and the anticipated response.
Choosing the right method can make a big difference in your experience and the reactions of those you’re coming out to. In this article, we’ll explore the pros and cons of both coming out in person and over the phone or text, providing insights that can help you decide which option suits your situation best.
In Person
Pros
- It feels more personal and authentic
Arguably the biggest reason for doing it in person is to allow for a more genuine and intimate interaction with the person you’re coming out to. You can express yourself fully, using your tone, body language, and facial expressions to convey your innermost feelings. This face-to-face interaction often feels more sincere and impactful because the person can see and feel your emotions at face value, which can foster a deeper connection and understanding of what you’re going through.
The setting plays a role too – choose somewhere casual such as a cafe, so that the atmosphere won’t be so tense.
- Immediate emotional support
Another upside to in-person conversations is that they can provide immediate comfort, especially if the reaction is positive. A supportive hug, a reassuring smile, or even just the presence of someone who cares about you can be incredibly comforting. This can be especially important if you’re worried about feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed after sharing your truth. That uncertainty of being left on read if you were to come out via text? You won’t have any of that here.
- Room for a real dialogue
With any conversation over text or on the phone, context can be misconstrued. Face-to-face conversations allow for a more natural back-and-forth instead. You can address questions, concerns, or misconceptions in real-time, and likewise have a conversation flowing. This dialogue can help clear up any confusion and make the coming out process more educational for the other person.
Cons
- Potential for emotional intensity
While coming out in person can turn out wonderfully, the reverse could also happen. Speaking in person can be emotionally overwhelming, especially if you’re unsure of how the person will react. The fear of a negative response can make it hard to articulate your thoughts, and if the reaction is indeed less than supportive, handling it face-to-face can be painful.
Imagine coming out to a parent that may not approve of your sexuality and respond with anger, confusion, or disappointment – being in the same room as them might feel suffocating and claustrophobic. Not exactly an environment to be in when you’re already feeling vulnerable.
- Limited control over the situation
When you come out in person, you’re committing to the moment, regardless of how it goes. Whether it goes favourably or awry, you’d have no choice but face the reality. This could mean that it will be hard to exit the situation if things get awkward or uncomfortable.
- Timing can be tricky
Finding the right moment to have a serious in-person conversation can be another challenge faced as well. You’d likely want a time and place where both of you feel safe and relaxed, but these situations don’t always present themselves easily. The anticipation of waiting for the “perfect” moment can add more stress to the situation than need be. Additionally, finding the exact moment during the meet-up to bring up the topic on an unsuspecting person can prove challenging as well.
Over The Phone Or Text
Pros
- More control over your space
When you come out over the phone or via text, you have greater control over your environment to do it in. For example, you can choose a comfortable, safe space where you feel at ease, such as at home with a loved one, which can make it easier to handle unforeseen emotional reactions. You also have the option to end the conversation or take a break from your phone if things become too intense to handle.
- Allows for emotional preparation
If you’re the sort that needs plenty of mental preparation and can’t just YOLO, coming out over the phone or text gives you and the other person time to process emotions without the pressure of an immediate response. If you anticipate a less-than-ideal reaction, texting allows the person to absorb the news in their own time, which can lead to a more thoughtful and less reactive response and vice versa. It’s a win-win situation.
- Reduces the risk of confrontation
Another common consideration when coming out is the risk of confrontation. Reactions could potentially range from aggression to a meltdown, neither of which anyone would wish to deal with in the public eye. By coming out via the phone or text, it adds a blanket of security to protect your emotional well-being. You have better control in this case, to pause the conversation or take a step back to reduce the chances of the exchange turning harmful.
Cons
- Lack of personal connection
However, coming out over the phone or text can feel impersonal. If not handled correctly, the person on the receiving end of the news may feel that they are not important enough to validate a face-to-face chat, which may lead to them not knowing how to respond appropriately via text message. Without visual cues like body language and facial expressions as well, it can be harder to convey the depth of your feelings.
In summary, if you’re planning to come out to your parents or older folks that tend to be a lil’ bit “boomer”, perhaps texting isn’t the clearest form of communication.
- Miscommunication could arise
Needless to say, texts and phone calls are more prone to miscommunication. Without visual and vocal aids, the other person might misinterpret your tone or intentions. Even if you have a well-intentioned message, it could still come across as abrupt or cold, leading to confusion or hurt feelings from the other party.
- Delayed emotional support
On the flip side, if the response is positive, you might miss out on instant physical support that might feel welcomed in that instant. Even on the phone, it can be difficult to feel truly supported and understood without the physical closeness and comfort.
Coming out is challenging no matter how you do it
There’s no easy way to deal with coming out. Deciding how to come out, whether in person or over the phone or text, is a deeply personal choice, with no right or wrong. It’s important to consider your unique circumstances, the nature of your relationship with the person you’re coming out to, and your own emotional needs before taking the leap of faith.
If you value a personal, direct connection and feel emotionally ready to handle whatever response you receive, coming out in person can be a powerful experience. On the other hand, if you’re worried about potential conflict or need the comfort of distance, a phone call or text can offer more control and safety.
Ultimately, the right method is the one that aligns with your comfort level and feels most authentic to you. Remember, coming out is a courageous act, no matter how you choose to do it. Take your time, trust your instincts, and know that you’ve got this!
If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual identity or coming out, A Space Between provides a safe environment for support with queer-friendly counsellors. Besides being a resource for help or navigating the challenge of coming out, A Space Between also shares advice on therapy and LGBTQ+ issues through online blog articles, as well as holding community events.
