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From Christmas to New Year’s to Chinese New Year, the next few months will be full of festive occasions where family gatherings feel like a must — but not all of us have a supportive family. Difficult family members or complicated relationships may put a strain on your mental health, affecting your well-being during this season of celebration.
We explore what you can do to protect your peace against toxic family members, and how you can navigate uncertain dynamics during this otherwise festive period.
What Makes a Relationship Toxic?
It can be hard to draw the line between accommodating a family member’s personality (and showing them respect, if they’re an older member of the family) and deciding that the relationship is toxic – particularly in our culture that prioritises filial piety.
You may even be reluctant to define someone as toxic, given how it would impact the dynamics of an entire family. However, a toxic relationship can wreak havoc on your mental health as well as damage the stability of relationships with other family members. Learning how to recognise the signs of a (potentially) toxic family member helps you to protect your overall well-being.
These are a few signs of a toxic relation:
- They are always critical of your actions and disproportionately negative, when reacting to situations or others around them. You may find yourself on eggshells around them, to avoid upsetting them or triggering their criticism.
- They are manipulative, and often guilt trip or shame you into acting according to how they wish. This may also include emotional abuse, where they constantly make belittling comments or insults to undermine your feelings.
- They are gaslighters, revising events and stories to make you question your recollection of moments. This causes you to doubt yourself, wondering if what you’d experienced was true or not.
- They show little concern and empathy for your feelings; disregarding your boundaries, even if you’ve already communicated them multiple times beforehand.
Interactions with a toxic family member will leave you feeling drained and turned inside out. It can affect your confidence and self-esteem over time, if you’re not aware of the tactics that they’re employing.
Tips to Manage Toxic Family Members during Visits
It can be particularly stressful if you’re unable to avoid family gatherings during festive periods, such as Chinese New Year. Family reunions are probably inevitable – along with invasive questions and frayed nerves… but the last thing we want is bickering erupting into a larger argument.
These are a few tactics you can try to manage toxic relatives, to maintain your cool and look after your mental health.
Establish Boundaries
From the start, establish your boundaries and set them out clearly to your relatives. For example, this could be communicating that you won’t tolerate comments about your body or relationship status. As far as possible, be consistent in enforcing these boundaries; so that they know such comments would not be appreciated nor tolerated.
This is, of course, easier said than done, especially if your relatives claim such comments are ‘in jest’. If they continue to make such comments, it may be better to disengage and physically move away from the conversation.
Have a Plan for your Visit
Before going for the gathering, have a rough idea of how long you would stay for; such as only having reunion dinner, instead of spending the whole evening after together as well.
It may also be good to mentally prepare yourself for possible scenarios that could trigger you during the gathering. Anticipate the types of questions or comments your relatives may say, and possible responses you could have for them. Rehearsing these interactions in your head can help you feel more ready to interact with your relatives, particularly if you’re the kind who freezes up in the moment.
Know your Triggers
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to control a misbehaving relative… but you can control how you respond and feel about it. This starts with understanding your triggers and learning how to manage your emotions across various situations. It can definitely feel frustrating that the burden of work falls on you, but effective emotional management goes a long way in protecting your mental well-being.
You could work through this with a therapist, such as with our mental health professionals at A Space Between. Such techniques would come in useful in other situations too, and not just when it comes to managing toxic family members.
How to Answer Common ‘Invasive’ Questions
One reason why family gatherings can get uncomfortable is because of invasive and inappropriate questions asked by nosy relatives, who either don’t know or don’t care about being empathetic.
Like we mentioned, one technique you can use is rehearsing your responses to these prying questions. These are some responses you could consider, across a couple of scenarios that seem to be the most common during large family meetings.
“Why are you still single?”
You may not be attached or you may simply not want to share your relationship status with your family members yet – but this tends not to stop relatives from being overly concerned with your marital status.
You could try: “I’m happy and content with my life right now; and I have many other things that I’m focusing on at the moment.”
“When are you going to have kids?”
Married couples don’t come out unscathed, as questions may also come about when a grandchild can be expected. If you and your partner are intending to have children, a simple, “We’d like to make sure we’re in the best place to look after and provide for our child” could work.
If you’re not intending to have children, perhaps, “We’re fulfilled as a couple, being together.”
“Are you sure you should be eating that?”
Family meals may end up devolving into pointed comments about one’s personal appearance and body weight – things that honestly should not matter to anyone but yourself. You could try for a more direct response, “I’d appreciate if you didn’t focus on my body during this celebration.”; or deflecting by changing the topic, “Why spend this time talking about food, when you can share more about what your family has been up to?”
Ultimately, each family is different and may require different types of tactics to manage during a reunion. What’s most important is putting yourself and your mental health first; understanding your boundaries and being assertive in enforcing them. If you find it impossible to manage a toxic relative, a good first step would be to physically remove yourself from their presence, such as moving to another part of the room.
There is no single right way to manage difficult relatives, and you shouldn’t feel guilty if you need to cut the gathering short and leave early, for your mental well-being.
References
- https://www.headspace.com/articles/toxic-family
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/in-flux/202204/5-strategies-cope-toxic-family-members
- https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-toxic-family-members
- https://www.wondermind.com/article/toxic-family/
- https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-toxic-family-members
- https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
- https://www.talked.com.au/blog/how-to-deal-with-toxic-family-members
- https://transformpsycare.com/dealing-with-difficult-people-this-chinese-new-year-holiday/
- https://www.herworld.com/life/self-worth-tips-negativity
- https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/wellness/family-arguments-chinese-new-year-reunion-236891
- https://www.self.com/story/food-shaming-family-tips
