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The unfortunate fact of life is that our loved ones will leave us eventually.
It’s impossible to describe the pain of such an immense loss. The death of a loved one can feel so overwhelming it seems like you may never get over it; and this pain can dig its claws into every aspect of your life, affecting both your physical and mental health.
While everyone deals with grief differently, there are healthy ways to cope with how you’re feeling, so that you can find peace and start to build a life around your loss.
What is Grief?
Although typically associated with the death of a loved one, grief describes the experience of and emotions associated when one is coping with any type of loss.
This may be loss of a loved one; but can also be the loss of a close friendship because of a falling out, losing your career because of a retrenchment, losing your health because of a medical diagnosis, or even grieving the end of a period of your life, such as graduating from school.
There is no set reason for when one is “allowed” to grieve; and how one may express this grief and how long they grieve for differs across individuals as well. Each person will experience grief differently, even if they’re grieving for the same reason; such as the loss of a loved one in the family.
The Stages of Grief
You may have heard of the ‘five stages of grief’, which is a model developed by a psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, in her book ‘On Death and Dying’. Although the stages are termed in a chronological order, there is no set way that one passes through the stages of grief.
It’s possible that you may skip a stage, and then experience it at a later period; and it’s also possible that one circles through the stages, depending on how you’re coping.
In her model, the five stages of grief are:
Denial
One’s first instinct to bad news could be to deny that it’s happening, or to pretend that this loss isn’t real. It’s common to feel numb or disconnected from reality when loss first happens, as an initial defense mechanism to protect one’s emotions from the overwhelming feeling of loss, and the knowledge that one’s life cannot go back to what it once was.
Anger
The next stage of grief is typically anger: anger at the situation; anger at those around you; anger at yourself, perhaps for not doing enough for your loved one or for being unable to help them; or even, anger at the loved one for leaving you. This anger is usually wholly irrational, and can manifest as bitterness or frustration, suddenly exploding at random times.
Bargaining
Bargaining can take place whether we believe in a higher power or not. This stage can take place even before death has occurred; for example, bargaining with God or the universe that ‘if we act in a certain way, our loved one will be safe and recover’. We go through a lot of ‘What If’ or ‘If Only’ situations – playing back scenarios where we should have acted differently, perhaps things would have turned out different.
Depression
This is the stage we most commonly associate with grief: an intense sadness that can seem overwhelming; feeling so upset and directionless, that it’s hard to look past this fog of emotion and concentrate on the present. This can manifest as physical symptoms as well, including heavy chest pain, aches in our bodies, or changes in how we sleep. If grief isn’t managed well, this could turn into clinical depression, and have a longer-term impact on our mental health.
Acceptance
Eventually, we reach the stage of acceptance. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve forsaken your loved one and no longer feel sadness at their passing; but rather, you have accepted what has happened, and are ready to try and move on from this loss. It means understanding that your loved one will no longer be with you, and starting to craft a life forward, past this loss. The pain of death may still be with you, but you may find that it no longer hurts as much as before.
How can I manage my Grief?
Coping with grief takes time, and gentle patience with yourself. It can feel overwhelming when you’re in the thick of it; but know that you’ll be able to get through it. These are a few ways you can manage your grief, and care for yourself, during this trying period.
Acknowledge your emotions
It can be tempting to turn away from all that you’re feeling, especially if it hurts too much to contemplate your loss… like we shared above, denial is a common stage of the grieving process. However, you can’t avoid the pain or grief forever – and suppressing it only leads to more negative repercussions for your mental health in the long-term. You will need to sit with your grief and your pain in order to move towards acceptance, and forward with your life.
Reach out for support
Death can feel isolating, and you may want to grieve alone. While it can be good to take time to sit with yourself and how you’re feeling, try not to cut yourself off from the world entirely. You may have lost a loved one, but you are not alone. Reach out to your family members and friends; or let them in if they’re checking in on you. If they had known the loved one who had passed on, it may even be therapeutic to share memories, remembering the good times together – and supporting each other through the loss you’ve shared.
Build a (new) routine
Losing a loved one is more than just emotionally traumatic, it also disrupts our daily routines. Whether we were in and out of the hospital towards the end, or busy amidst the planning and managing the funeral processes, our everyday lives were also turned upside down… and when all these errands and tasks are over, our schedules are left equally empty, and it can be hard to go back to ‘daily life’. Re-establishing your routine and sticking with a schedule is the best way for you to move back towards normalcy, and to help you regain control over your life. This can be as small as having a fixed time to eat and sleep, or setting up a standing date with friends to do an activity together.
When should I seek Help?
There is no set amount of time one should grieve for. Yet, over time, grief should fade, and the pain should lessen; as you find your way back towards building a life anew.
However, if you find that your emotions are affecting your daily life, or making it unmanageable for you to return to your everyday routine, you may want to seek professional help. A few signs for when you may need to speak to a therapist about your grief include:
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- Feeling like you’ve lost all motivation in your life
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- Having difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much, where it affects activities you want to do
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- Having thoughts of self-harm
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- Having difficulty or losing interest in socialising with others
Working with a therapist can help you manage your grief better, and learn ways to cope with these emotions. You can reach out to any of our grief therapists at A Space Between to set up a first appointment, and get help with what you’re going through.
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