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Whether you’re a therapist or a client, discussing sensitive topics like internalised homophobia and feeling self-shame is not easy. What’s more, Singapore hasn’t always been the easiest place to grow up LGBTQ+. For many individuals, it’s receiving disapproving glances from relatives, facing rumours in school or feeling awkward when people talk about a queer celebrity. Over time, these experiences sink in, and some LGBTQ+ individuals might have similar judgements about themselves, and grow to dislike their own identity.
This is internalised homophobia – when LGBTQ+ individuals unconsciously absorb the negative beliefs, biases, and shame about their own identities from the world around them. It’s like carrying around a weight you didn’t even realise someone else packed for you.
But here’s the good news: it can be unpacked and things can get better. And safe and affirming therapy can be one of the most powerful places to start. Find out what are some ways that therapists can help clients face internalised homophobia, break away from shame, and develop that all-important healthy and loving relationship with themselves.
What Is Internalised Homophobia?
Internalised homophobia might be complex to understand, and it doesn’t always look like what people expect. No, it’s not necessarily just about “hating yourself for being gay.” It can show up in subtler ways too, such as:
- Feeling uncomfortable with public displays of affection with a same-sex partner
- Judging other queer people for being “too flamboyant” or “too loud”
- Avoiding same-sex relationships out of fear or shame
- Thinking you’re unworthy of love because of your identity or sexual orientation
- Overcompensating in traditionally heteronormative spaces to not be outed
In Singapore, where LGBTQ+ representation is still limited in mainstream media and anti-LGBTQ+ mindsets can come from authority figures or family members, these feelings can be deeply ingrained. Many people carry on this internalised homophobia for years, without even realising or recognising it.
Why And How Does Therapy Help?
For both LGBTQ+ individuals and therapists, it’s important to know that internalised homophobia doesn’t just affect people’s self-esteem. It can also impact mental health for these individuals. According to online studies, it can also impact mental health and show links to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and even suicidal ideation.
Therapy offers a space to safely explore those painful beliefs, examine where they came from, and start replacing them with more affirming narratives. But that only happens when therapy is truly LGBTQ+ affirming.
How To Deal With Internalised Homophobia In Therapy
1. Creating A Safe, Non-Judgemental Space
First things first: safety. For many LGBTQ+ individuals in Singapore, therapy may be the only space where they can speak freely about their identity. Especially if they’re not out to their family or workplace, that room becomes sacred. Creating a safe space for them means multiple things, including:
- Using inclusive language: Avoiding assumptions about gender, relationships, or pronouns. (For example, asking, “Do you have a partner?” instead of “Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?”)
- Respecting confidentiality: Especially critical in small communities where word travels fast.
- Being careful with intention and words: Being LGBTQ+ is not a problem to be solved. The issue is the shame and stigma around it.
When clients feel safe, they’re more likely to open up about their internalised struggles, and that’s where the real work begins. Recognising internalised homophobia is the first step to overcoming it.
2. Helping Clients Recognise Internalised Beliefs
More often than not, internalised homophobia is so deeply woven into someone’s worldview and perspective on life that they can’t distinguish it from “just the way things are.” A therapist can help by gently bringing awareness to harmful thought patterns. For example, a client could share a sentiment that they will never find a serious relationship as gay relationships never last. A therapist can then share: “Where do you think that belief comes from? Is that something you’ve personally experienced, or something you’ve been told?”
By asking the right questions, therapists can help clients trace these beliefs back to their roots, whether it’s conservative family teachings, school bullying, religious guilt, or the complete lack of positive LGBTQ+ role models growing up in Singapore. Going back to the source of their thinking might help them open up their mindsets. Once clients realise these are learned beliefs and not truths, they can start rewriting them for a better outlook on life.
3. Validating The Pain And Not Just Challenging The Beliefs
It’s important to remember that internalised homophobia doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s usually a survival response to rejection, discrimination, and fear.Therapists should take care not to jump too quickly into “reframing” or “correcting” thoughts without first validating the hurt behind them.
Sometimes clients need to grieve or acknowledge their trauma that they may have spent years trying to forget or hide. This could stem from relationships they never pursued, or pretending to be someone else to fit in at school. Letting them feel that grief, without judgement or rushing to fix it, is a crucial part of the healing process. And once that’s done, the battle is half won.
4. Rebuilding A Positive Queer Identity
Your client has overcome their internalised beliefs – now what? Here comes the challenging yet beautiful part of rebuilding an identity in a more affirming way. Individuals can slowly explore LGBTQ+ history and community through events like Pink Dot or walking tours, support groups or growing representation in the local media. Therapists can help by suggesting LGBTQ+-affirming resources, celebrating small steps, and encouraging clients to embrace parts of themselves they once buried.
5. Navigating Family And Cultural Pressures
Let’s not sugarcoat it — family and cultural expectations can be tough to meet. Filial piety, traditional values, and religious norms all play a role in shaping how clients view themselves, especially in Singapore.
A client seeking help might say: “I can’t come out because my parents will disown me.” “My pastor says being gay is a sin. What if he’s right?” “I’m the eldest son. I’m expected to carry on the family name.”
In situations like these, therapists need to be culturally competent. That means understanding that these aren’t just abstract fears – they’re real dilemmas. The goal isn’t to force clients to come out or reject their culture, but to help them navigate it on their own terms. In fact, some clients may never come out to their family, and that’s okay. The focus should always be on what makes them feel safe and whole.
6. Using Affirmative Therapy Approaches
Affirmative therapy is about more than just being “LGBTQ+ friendly.” It’s about actively supporting and validating queer identities. This can involve things like recognising how systems of oppression impact mental health, helping clients develop a higher self-evaluation for their experiences, and celebrating milestones in identity development such as coming out or going on their first same-sex date.
While there are slight differences in cultural nuances, therapists in Singapore can draw from international models of affirmative therapy and adapt them to the local context.
Local Resources For Therapists & Clients In Singapore
If you’re a therapist looking to better support LGBTQ+ clients, or someone seeking therapy yourself, here are some affirming local resources:
- Oogachaga – Singapore’s leading LGBTQ+ support organisation with counselling services.
- The T Project – A social service for the transgender community, including counselling and shelter.
- My Queer Story SG – Storytelling platform where Singaporeans share their LGBTQ+ journeys.
- Sayoni – A community group for queer women and non-binary people.
- Safe Circle (by AWARE) – A directory of LGBTQ+ affirmative mental health professionals.
Healing From Internalised Homophobia Is Possible
Feeling internalised homophobia and shame can be difficult. They creep in over years, settle deep, and sometimes disguise themselves as “logic” or “just being realistic.” But they aren’t always the truth.
In therapy, cliens’ beliefs can be overcome so they get a new lease of life. But of course, it’s not always smooth-sailing. While there may be setbacks, tears, and uncomfortable realisations, there will also be breakthroughs, pride, and moments of profound self-acceptance.
For therapists in Singapore, the work is both powerful and delicate. But when done with care, compassion, and cultural sensitivity, it can be life-changing.
Meanwhile, clients shouldn’t think that they’re “incurable”. It’s never too late to love yourself and be proud, free and 100% you
If you or someone you know is exploring their journey with sexual identity or coming out, A Space Between provides a safe environment for support with queer-friendly counsellors. Besides being a resource for help or navigating the challenge of coming out, A Space Between also shares advice on therapy and LGBTQ+ issues through online blog articles, as well as holding community events.
