Setting Boundaries during the Holidays: When is it okay to say No?

With a slew of holidays and special occasions around the corner, such as Christmas, New Years, and Chinese New Year, you may already have received countless of requests from family and friends to meet up and celebrate. 

While this is indeed the season for celebration, it can also be a little overwhelming for some of us – especially when the requests pile up and our time feels strained. Yet, we may still struggle with saying no. In this article, we explore how we can set boundaries effectively and politely, to look after our mental health.

Why is it important to set boundaries?

As much as it’s important to consider the feelings of our loved ones, we also need to know how to prioritise ourselves. The festive season can place a huge demand on our social energy; and this can strain our mental health and well-being, particularly when we’re already not feeling at our best.

All relationships are a matter of balance between individuals, with mutual respect and understanding. Boundaries are simply a part of this balance; and they are a way for you to ensure you look after yourself (both emotionally and physically), as it can be easy to be swept up in the tide of invitations and social events.

Healthy boundaries help you to manage your time and emotions, so that you don’t end up burning out nor experiencing greater harm to your mental health in the long-term. By caring for yourself, you’ll also better be able to extend the same love and care to your loved ones, when you do choose to spend quality time with them.

Signs you may be feeling overwhelmed

Because it’s so easy to say yes to social invitations (or rather: because we tend to feel guilt when we reject our loved ones), you may not realise that you need your own space. Some signs that you may be feeling overwhelmed, and may need to consider establishing clear boundaries for your own time include:

• Feeling irritable or annoyed whenever a friend or family member engages you
• Feeling dread or frustration at the thought of having to attend events
• Not having the energy to engage in conversation or feeling listless in group settings
• Feeling resentful with the people who have been inviting you out or asking for your time
• Having no energy at the end of the day, even when you are alone to do the things you enjoy

How can we set boundaries?

There are various kinds of boundaries that we can establish; for example::

• Physical boundaries: How comfortable we are with individuals coming into physical contact with us
• Time boundaries: The amount of time that we are spending with the people around us
• Financial boundaries: How much we are willing to spend on social activities or presents
• Emotional boundaries: How much emotional energy we are able to invest in scenarios or individuals

In the context of the festive season, it’s likely that ‘time’ would be the most pressing factor for us (with the number of social gatherings that we are being invited to) as well as ‘finances’ (as we may be expected to bring gifts or pay for meals at fancier establishments).

Here are a couple of strategies you can try out, to establish firmer and healthier boundaries with your loved ones. While written in relation to the holiday festivities, these are relevant throughout the year to help you manage your relationship with your friends and family.

Know your own Limits

Before doing anything, we should first understand our own boundaries, so that we know what we’re comfortable (or uncomfortable) with. This requires some time for self-reflection and sitting with our emotions.

Guiding questions may include:

• What are the types of social activities or social engagements that I feel drained by the most?
• If I didn’t feel guilty about saying no, what sort of invitations or activities or who would I turn down?
• Are there alternative activities that I prefer; and am I able to propose these instead?
• What sort of activities energise me the most?
• How much time do I need to recharge, so that I feel best able to give my loved ones the quality time they deserve?

Communicate your Emotions

It’s important that you are open with what you’re feeling, communicating the state of your physical and mental health with your loved ones. Share that you may be feeling overwhelmed with the number of social engagements that are taking place, and that you need some time to yourself to restore your energy and feel rested.

As difficult as it is to accept, know that how your friends and family react is not within your control. So long as you communicate your feelings in a clear but empathetic manner, you have already held up your side of the balance in this relationship, by sharing your feelings respectfully. Similarly, your loved ones should mirror this same respect by accepting your feelings, and being understanding of your own needs.

Be Comfortable with Saying No

Saying no the first time can be a difficult thing to do – particularly when we’re very used to agreeing with requests. The first time you say no, you may feel like your heart is racing and your throat is dry; but it definitely gets easier the more times you practice this.

If you feel uncomfortable with a direct no, you can soften your rejection by offering alternatives. For example: instead of “No, I don’t want to have lunch next week”; you can offer an alternative, like “Perhaps we could find a time next month to meet?”. By doing this, you’re still showing your friend or loved one that you care about them, and it’s not a personal rejection, but rather, one you’re doing for your own well-being.

Lean on Professional Support

Establishing boundaries – whether it’s only during the festive season or after – can be a difficult thing to do alone, especially if you think the individuals around you may react negatively. As such, it can be useful to speak to a professional therapist or mental health expert for guidance. 

They’ll be able to offer an objective perspective on your situation, as well as tip son what you can do to manage your boundaries and relationships with those around you.

If you’re ready to take the first step, we’re here for you. Reach out to our team of qualified counsellors and therapists in Singapore anytime for an appointment. 

References

• https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-set-boundaries-during-the-holidays
• https://claibournecounseling.com/holiday-boundaries/
• https://www.souletherapy.com/single-post/how-to-say-no-4-steps-for-setting-boundaries-for-the-holidays
• https://www.mother.ly/health-wellness/mental-health/how-to-say-no/
• https://health.ucdavis.edu/blog/cultivating-health/how-to-set-boundaries-and-why-it-matters-for-your-mental-health/2024/03
• https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/young-adults/8-tips-on-setting-boundaries-for-your-mental-health/
• https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/setting-boundaries-for-well-being
• https://www.verywellmind.com/setting-boundaries-for-stress-management-3144985