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“I’m sorry, I promise I’ll do better next time.” – Every relationship has their ups and downs, and we can’t expect our partners to be perfect. The typical narrative that we see in most movies and television shows is that: true love will always prevail, so long as we commit to our partners, and help them through the challenges they’re facing; so that they can become a better person.
However, there are times when love, alone, isn’t enough to solve all relationship issues. Placing too much emphasis on (blind) dedication may inadvertently create undue social pressures to stay in a relationship, even when it ends up being unhealthy for us. This article explores the signs of a toxic relationship, and what we can do if we think we are in an unhealthy romantic relationship.
Signs of a Toxic Relationships
Every couple may argue and go through their tough patches; however, what makes a relationship ‘unhealthy’? To be honest, only you would be able to answer this – as toxic behaviours tend to show only between the couple.
Some signs of a toxic relationship include:
- Feeling like your partner belittles you and doesn’t support your dreams or ambitions
- Feeling fearful of upsetting your partner, and purposefully avoiding behaviours that would trigger them (sometimes, at the expense of your own happiness or wants)
- Constant miscommunication, where you feel like your partner doesn’t understand what you’re saying or twists your words into an argument
- Persistent cycles of your partner being triggered and then apologising to change
- Spending a lot of your emotional energy to cheer your partner up and support them, and not receiving the same amount of support in return
- Feeling like you can’t trust your partner 100%
Trust your gut: do you feel that this relationship has negatively impacted your emotional, mental, or even physical, health somehow? It can be hard for us to admit that we’re in a toxic relationship; but this is the time to be honest with yourself.
Why do We Stay?
“The thing is, my friends could tell that I was unhappy,” says A*, about a 2-year emotionally abusive relationship she was in. “And they did bring up that our relationship didn’t seem sustainable if nothing changed. But to me, my partner did seem like he really wanted to try and change, and this made me feel like I had to say.”
To someone looking in from the outside, it seems incomprehensible to see someone stay in a toxic relationship. For the onlooker, it’s obvious that the relationship is damaged; and one would only hurt themselves further if they persist in staying with their partner.
Yet, why do people in toxic relationships stay?
For one, we grow up in a culture where love trumps all. Think of the Disney movies that we watched as children: in the Little Mermaid, mermaid Ariel gives up her entire life underwater for her paramour; and in Beauty and the Beast, Belle is expected to tolerate Beast’s terrible behaviour, and through this persistence, eventually ‘changes’ him for the better. Immersed in such narratives since we were young, it’s no wonder that we believe love requires a tremendous amount of pain and sacrifice.
In Singapore, it can also be shameful to admit that our relationship is fraught with such toxicity. Where there’s still strong societal pressure to be coupled and married, it can be hard to share that we are indeed in a toxic relationship – and even if we do, it can be typical for elders to say that, “All couples have their problems. You just need to support them through it.”
Lastly, toxic relationships can be hard to spot, because the signs can be quite innocuous. Where’s the line between an argument that’s spiralled out of control and uncalled for insults and emotional abuse? When we are pressured by love, and hopeful for our partners to change, it’s easy to dismiss the red flags and signs; until it’s too late.
“My self-confidence was diminished enough that I didn’t trust myself anymore,” says B*, about why it took them a while to leave.
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship Safely
It’s hard to recognise that you’re in a toxic relationship; and it requires a lot of emotional strength and courage to decide to leave. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone.
Reach For Support
The first thing you should do is seek support from your loved ones, such as friends and family. The conversation with them may be hard to start – particularly if you hadn’t shared the full extent of your relationship with them – but it’s key that you have people you trust around you, and who can offer you emotional support and guidance.
Initiate Conversation
When you feel comfortable and secure in your decision, initiate conversation about breaking up with your partner. If it makes you feel safer, you should bring a friend or family member along with you; particularly if your partner has a history of losing their temper. Be clear about your reasons; and remember that however they choose to react, it’s not on you to take responsibility for their behaviour.
Draw Boundaries
Set boundaries between you and your ex-partner: this could be telling them to not reach out to you anymore; or in more extreme cases, blocking them on social media and any messaging apps, deleting their number from your phone, or changing your phone number.
Focus on Yourself
Being in a toxic relationship will have taken its toll on your emotional health and self-esteem. Prioritise self-care, and make time to look after yourself. For example: trying out a hobby that you never had the time to do, or spending time with your loved ones.
Seek Professional Help
After breaking off a toxic relationship, it’s common for us to harbour all sorts of negative emotions: anger at our ex-partner, bitterness at staying for so long, and even, anger at ourselves.
A mental health professional can be a good source of support, as you rebuild your life after a toxic relationship. They can provide you with guidance on how to process your feelings, strategies for developing healthier relationships, and just give you a safe space to go through your emotions. If you find you need help, reach out to any of our counsellors at A Space Between.
As C* says, “I forgave myself in the process [of practising art therapy], let go of the bitter chapter, and had a more optimistic view moving forward.”
*Names have been anonymised to protect their identities.
References
- https://www.verywellmind.com/toxic-relationships-4174665
- https://www.calm.com/blog/toxic-relationships
- https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-relationship
- https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/
- https://a-littlebitofeverything.medium.com/surviving-a-toxic-relationship-my-personal-story-e85a9d80ac67
- https://actagainstviolence.org.sg/survivor-stories/
- https://sg.news.yahoo.com/i-walked-away-from-abusive-relationship-never-looked-back-064756702.html
- https://sg.news.yahoo.com/relationship-dating-i-was-in-a-physically-abusive-relationship-and-stayed-220050273.html
- https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/her-ex-boyfriend-nearly-killed-her-now-she-wants-to-help-women-caught-in-violent